


The Killing Moon

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anidala Vibes, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Marriage, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:53:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Poe returns from Kijimi, a broken man. Reuniting with Ben should help him heal — if their budding relationship doesn’t destroy them first.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Kudos: 4
Collections: Bad Day Collection





	1. A Bad Son

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mob_lake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mob_lake/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: For mob-lake, based on this amazing moodboard made by mob-lake: https://brokenedgeben.tumblr.com/post/633409297982914560/mob-lake-before-the-resistance-before-the
> 
> Sorry it took so long!

Poe wasn’t going to deny that he was nervous, even getting off the ship. Nervous. That was one way to put it. He hadn’t seen Ben in so long. He had already visited Kes Dameron in the hospital, and he had already patched things up with him — there had been tears, there had been apologies, and Poe had felt, undeniably, like a bad son.   


So much like a bad son. He wasn’t a good person, wasn’t a good man. Wasn’t a good son. A good son would have just accepted that he’d fucked up royally after the whole stunt with the Yavin IV defense force. But Poe had had to run away...  


And then there was Ben. Of course there was Ben.   


He’d left Ben behind. Broken his heart. A thirteen year old boy last time Poe had seen him...stars, how old was he now?

Even as Poe got off the ship, taking in Adani’s crisp air, he didn’t miss the white-robed blur that ran towards him. White-robed. Black-haired. 

”Poe!” Ben exclaimed. “Poe, I missed you so much!”

Poe didn’t know what he had done to deserve such open devotion as Ben practically barreled into him, hugging him tightly.   


“Kriff, Ben, you’re strong...”

And Poe was willing himself not to get stunned, amazed, at how the gawky thirteen year old he had last seen could now lift him off the ground like he weighed nothing.   


”You can put me down now...Ben.”

Ben did. “Sorry,” he said, and that smile he had...kriff, what had Poe done to deserve that smile?

“No worries,” Poe said, “Stars, you’ve grown like a weed since I’ve been away. You’re...”

“Eighteen,” Ben said, a bit irritably.

“Right. Sorry. Kriff, you grew up since I’ve been away.” A beat. “Ben, about me being away — ”

“You were tricked,” Ben said softly. “It’s not your fault.”

Somehow, Poe didn’t know how Ben could just forgive him so easily. “I let you down, Ben.”

”I was just scared. That’s all. Come on,” Ben said. “You wanna hang out at the Academy for a while?”

Poe should say no. Really should. But he had been away from Ben too long. He owed him that much. 

”Yeah,” he said. “I can do that.”

Ben held out his hand. Ben’s hand — when had it gotten so big? When had Ben gotten so strong? No, he couldn’t afford to think that about someone who’d practically been a baby when Poe had left. 

Kriff, he hoped Ben couldn’t read his thoughts right now. Ben was gifted at that, and Poe didn’t want Ben to notice that he was all but drooling over a young man who had...really filled out...

Kriff, he needed to stop it. After Zorii...he doubted he could do this. 

”How’s the Academy?” Poe said. 

Ben rolled his eyes — it was that gesture that reminded Poe that he was still a teenager. Still that slightly prickly teenager whose uncle couldn’t understand him in any way, shape or form. “Boring,” he said. 

Poe frowned. Somehow, he got the impression that it was more than that. 

Ben continued. “I’ve mostly been helping my uncle in the Archives,” he said. "He says it’ll be educational for me to learn a bunch of dry texts.”

”You’re studying Jedi history and you’re calling it dry?”

”I’d rather be doing things,” Ben said. “Going on adventures. Finding artifacts. You know, I always thought, when you got back...I could show you the galaxy. The different Jedi planets. Even stuff that wasn’t Jedi planets, like Naboo.”

”Naboo,” Poe said, smiling faintly. “That won’t be a bad idea."

”Yeah.”

***

Luke was already glaring disapprovingly at Poe and Ben as they entered. Poe had a feeling it was more directed at him, though; how dare Poe show his face after hurting Ben so badly?

”I swear if looks could kill,” Poe whispered, “I’d be flayed alive right now.”

”Maybe I need to tell my uncle we’re not dating,” Ben whispered back, lower. 

”What?”

It was in the very back of the mess hall that Ben said, “He’s been...really torn about reinstating the ‘no attachments’ rule. He said he’s been trying to honor Yoda and Obi-Wan, but he also doesn’t know if he should just do his own thing.”

”His own thing,” Poe murmured. “Well, if he’s the Jedi Master, why can’t he just do whatever he wants?”

”I dunno,” Ben said. "But...sometimes I worry about him. I think the Code’s really kind of a hurdle for him. ‘Sides, it’s not like passing a law; the Code’s a religious text that’s been passed down for generations. And I guess that my uncle doesn’t want to make Obi-Wan and Yoda spin in their graves. Uh, not that they had graves.”

Poe snorted. “Probably not.” Then, “But yeah...honestly, I don’t think I want to get into a relationship. Not after Zorii.”

”Zorii?” Poe could have sworn that something flashed over Ben’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it came. 

”I knew her. I don’t know if I’d say we were together. Proper. She...I don’t blame her for me ending up with the Spice Runners. I think she was a victim too. Was practically raised with the Spice Runners.”

Ben frowned, but didn’t comment. 

”What?” Poe said. 

”I just don’t like that she was complicit,” Ben said. “In what happened to you.”

”She was sixteen too,” Poe said. “She was a victim, same as me.”

A slow nod. Ben seemed to at least be coming around to the idea of Zorii not being just manipulative and mean.

”I just...care about you,” Ben said. “You’re my friend.”

”Same with you.”

***

Eventually, after seeing how Ben’s training went, Poe had to leave. He was half-sad, half-relieved; he didn’t think he could really act on his feelings for, honestly, his very attractive, very wonderful best friend. Especially since Luke hadn’t made up his mind yet. Whoever wrote the Jedi Code clearly didn’t get out much, Poe thought. 

He stole a look back at the Academy. He hoped, at least, he could see Ben again. Soon enough. 


	2. With You, Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gets through his day, and he and Poe continue to get closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

”You’re awfully quiet, Ben.”

Tai said that, even as Ben ate with him in the mess hall. Well, less ate and more picked at his food; honestly, Ben thought, didn’t they have better food than this? It looked like Dagobah threw up. 

”Am I?” Ben said. “I guess I am.” A sigh. “I just missed him, Tai.”

”Poe?”

Damn, but Tai was perceptive. “Yeah,” Ben said. “I just...I’m so angry at them. At the Spice Runners. You didn’t see the way he looked when he came back from Kijimi, Tai; it’s like something just broke in him." Stabbing at his eggs with a fork, almost like they had personally wronged him. "Whatever the Spice Runners did to him, it kriffed him up real bad.”

”I’m sorry to hear that.” Tai just sounded like he didn’t know what to say to that. 

”I just want to punish them,” Ben said. “And that woman pursuing him, the woman who blamed him for associating with the Spice Runners. Kriff, the fact that he spared her life and then tried to save her,” Mom had told him that. “It’s...people don’t know how wonderful he is...”

He paused. Something about how he was talking — he sounded like he was waxing poetic about Poe. He needed to stop; people would think he was in love with Poe somehow. 

”You think so highly of him,” Tai said, softly. 

”Someone has to,” Ben said. Another stab at his eggs. "People are just frustratingly stupid...”

"I would say people are confused, not stupid,” Tai said. 

Ben snorted. “Well, of course you’d say that, Tai.” Sometimes, he swore Tai was like a Jedi version of Poe. 

Tai chuckled. “You could benefit from being less cynical, Ben.”

Ben wished. Of course, when you had the worst of the galaxy crammed into your head, you didn’t really have room to not be cynical. He wondered what Poe would think of him — a broken eighteen year old boy, wounded, with the cosmos all but jammed into his skull. Poe would hate him if he knew the truth. The secrets Ben was trying so hard to hide. 

“Sorry,” Tai said. “That was uncalled for.”

”It’s...complicated.” He couldn’t tell Tai about the nightmares, couldn’t tell Luke. Couldn’t tell anyone. If anything, that...that would be a terrible idea. 

”How did you sleep?” Tai said. 

Ben faltered. Then, “Fine. Everything’s fine.”

Tai frowned, but didn’t press the issue. 

***

”You know, Solo, you’re so slow I might be able to beat you for a change.”

Voe was the one to call him out on it, while he was practicing sparring with her. 

”I guess.” Ben sighed as he spoke. “You don’t have to beat me, you know.”

”Is this your new way of being condescending?” Voe said. 

”No. I mean...you’re a good Jedi, Voe. You’re good at combat. You’re good at the Force. You’ve definitely got a better grasp on the Code than I do."

Voe raised an eyebrow. Then, “Huh. Never thought I’d hear you say it, Solo. Even your uncle...he tries, but I don’t think he gets through.”

Ben could see why. It was one of those reasons he felt ungrateful whenever he resented his familial pressures: at least he had a family that gave a damn about him. Voe had had a horrible experience in foster care that had likely given her her perfectionist streak. 

”Are you...okay?” Voe said, after a while. “I mean...you were acting weird after Poe came by.”

”We...grew up together. Well, before I went to the Academy.” Then, “We’re close."

”Just don’t get too close. I mean, I don’t like you as a person, but I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

Ben smiled, a bit weakly. “Noted, Voe.”

***

Sorting through books wasn’t an easy thing, but after heaving the final, heaviest book into place, Luke said to Ben that he was free to go. Even as Ben headed back to his hut, he had to admit he was dreading going to sleep. Sleep. Stars, it was like a little slice of hell, of death. Ben hated it. 

He sat down at his desk, the desk he’d set up for times like this, and began to practice his calligraphy. Writing out the word “Jedi” was a good start. More than anything. 

Even when he was getting tired, he called Poe on the terminal, forcing himself to stay awake. He wasn’t about to fall asleep. He couldn’t. 

Even seeing Poe’s face — there was something in it that was a relief. A bit sleepy, tousled (Ben couldn’t help but notice how his hair fell wildly around his face) but he looked at least happy to see Ben. 

”Hey, Ben,” he said. “Perfect timing. Had a bit of a nightmare.”

Ben’s heart ached for him. “Really?”

”Yeah. Kijimi. I’m trying to save Sela Trune,” Poe said. “And she keeps dying in front of me, over and over. I could have saved her.”

”You didn’t owe her anything.” Ben said. 

”I know she wronged me,” Poe said. “But she wasn’t a monster. Not really. She was just...grieving and really angry. She actually had family who were killed by the Spice Runners.”

”But that wasn’t your fault!”

”Grief doesn’t really...it’s not logical,” Poe said. “Sometimes...you remember Papa? How he got so angry at the guy who shot Mama? Sometimes grief just wants company. Sometimes it just wants to drag people down with you.”

”Sometimes I wonder how you can be so...forgiving,” Ben said, softly. There was something about Poe — something about him that made Ben wonder how he could have so much grace, so much compassion. It wasn’t like Ben was heartless, but he could have his limits. He could be stupid, thoughtless. Poe...it was like you could count the people he disliked on one hand, if even that. It gave Ben a sort of awe looking at him — and frustration. 

”Does it need to be hard?” Poe said. 

”It just seems hard. That’s all."

A beat. 

Then Poe spoke. “I’m thinking of helping your mother out. With politics and all.”

Ben laughed in surprise. “You, Poe Dameron, a politician?”

Poe shrugged. “I don’t really have to be a politician proper," he said. “I could just...help her. I just remember seeing her recorded on the screen. Talking. Just talking. And she gave me an idea of what to do next. I don’t know if I want to push the issue with becoming a pilot yet, but I want to help people. You don’t need a reason to help people.”

”No,” Ben said. “You don’t." Then, “We’ll stay in contact, right? Just the two of us."

”Yeah.” Poe smiled as he spoke. "Just the two of us.”

Silence stretched out between them, seeming almost interminable as Ben even contemplated the idea of going to sleep. The monsters that lurked in the dark. And Poe — he had just gotten back. Just him getting back — that was the best thing that ever happened to Ben in his eighteen years. 

”You scared?” Poe sounded concerned, looked concerned too, the way his brows were furrowing. “Scared of going to sleep?”

”Yeah.” It felt weak just admitting it. 

”How about I leave my terminal on?” Poe said. “Guaranteed nightlight.”

Ben did laugh. Stars, it just felt so good to laugh around Poe, to feel like he could joke about his nightmare issues. Just joking about them...what was that like?

”Yeah,” he said. “Guaranteed nightlight.”

”And you know I’m here,” Poe said. “Always.”

”Yeah.”

As Ben headed off to sleep, the blue light that washed over him was warmer than it had any right to be. 


	3. Redemption Paths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe talks with his dad about going to the Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben was the one who woke first. 

Even as he stretched himself awake, looking around at what he saw, he couldn’t help but notice how smooth and peaceful Poe looked when he was asleep. Smooth. Peaceful. That was something that Ben wondered if Poe had had in a long time. When he was on Kijimi, had he had even pinpoints of light and reason to guide him? 

Ben couldn’t really say. He wished he could. 

Poe stirred then, stirred and yawned. “Kriff, Ben,” he said, “What time is it?”

”Five o’hundred," Ben said, checking his chrono. 

”Got it,” Poe said. Then, “It’s weird, but it doesn’t feel as bad, knowing that you’re here with me. No matter what the nightmares.”

Ben smiled faintly. “I’m glad,” he said. 

“Yeah.” Then, “I haven’t brought up my thing with Dad yet. Becoming an assistant to Leia.” A sigh. “I don’t want to lord it over him. I mean...I don’t want to — I don’t want it to feel like I ran away just to get my way when I got back.”

”I know you, Poe,” Ben said. “You wouldn’t do that. And...” He swallowed. “You’re not alone. Sometimes I feel ungrateful for my family too.”

"Do you?”

Ben nodded. "Sometimes I just feel like...” How did he say it? “Sometimes I just feel like my parents threw me away like garbage, and I can’t stop needing them.”

”Ben,” Poe said softly. “You’re not garbage.”

”I know logically they didn’t. I mean, they sent me to Uncle Luke as an informal thing, and then Uncle Luke started taking care of me full time. But..." He faltered. How did he tell Poe about the Voice? A secret friend, a secret enemy. 

”But what?”

”I hear things,” Ben said. A beat. “Does hearing voices mean you’re...y’know...”

”Ben, even if you were, it doesn’t make your pain any less real,” Poe said softly. "I want to help you. Like...talk to you until the hurt goes away.” A beat. “Kriff, I never should have left...”

”You didn’t know,” Ben said. “Really.”

He didn’t blame Poe. Not even a little bit. 

”But you’re not who they say you are,” Poe said. “I promise, Ben. Really, really."

”Who am I?”

”You’re the first person who believed in me,” Poe said. “Do you know how valuable that is? At all?”

Ben could imagine. The idea that he was the first...he wished there were more people who believed in Poe. More people. Poe was uncommonly kind, and noble, and it puzzled Ben how others didn’t see it. 

Maybe he could make them see it. 

”There should have been more,” Ben said. 

”You could have been the only person in the galaxy who believed in me and that would have been enough.” Poe paused. Then, “You’re a good person. An accomplished Jedi. Far from unimportant. That’s...something.”

There was something about it — it was everything Ben needed to hear. He hoped it was enough. 

***

Poe had to admit that he was anxious, even confronting his father. Well, “confront” was a strong word, but he had a feeling that the conversation was about to be pretty rocky. Really rocky. Even heading downstairs to where his father was cooking breakfast, Poe swore, in a kitchen smelling of old breakfast foods Papa would try to learn from Mama...

It felt like an unpleasant reminder of the obstacle that lay ahead. 

”Papa?”

Kes turned around to look at Poe. “It’s probably not good,” he said. “The breakfast. Where she came from...she was the only one who could make that food, your Mama.”

”Oh.” It occurred to Poe that he was intruding on a most likely private moment. 

"I shouldn’t have tried to forget her,” Kes said, slowly. “The truth is — when you love someone, it can be the greatest happiness you ever experienced, or the worst pain. Not just in the uncertainty of not knowing if they love you, or what happens when they die. Or just leave. When they laugh, their laughter becomes yours, and when they’re in pain, you hurt too. Your mother was and is the best thing that ever happened to me, though. Even when it hurt.”

”And me?” Poe said. 

”You too,” Kes said. "Even when you got lost.”

”Yeah.” Poe’s breathing hitched as he spoke. “Even that.”

Silence. Then Kes said, “You still want to fly?”

”Not yet,” Poe said. “I want to make up...for everything.”

”You were sixteen. A child.”

”I still did bad things,” Poe said. “Taking you for granted. Joining the Spice Runners, of all people.”

”But you came back. You don’t be a good person by being perfect. Perfection’s a standard so high we’d fall before reaching it. It’s when you realize you did something wrong, and try to fix it."

”Did I fix it?” Poe said. 

”You did.” Silence. “So you want to fix it. That’s good.”

”What if I worked for Leia?”

Kes laughed, clearly surprised. “I never fancied you the political type.”

”Well...I want to help her.”

Silence. 

”You’ll have to get into schools for that,” Kes said. “I’m not a Senator, but they don’t just let anyone in. Um, the Emperor aside.”

”Yeah.” Stars, speaking of school, how much school did he miss?

”We’ll think of something,” Kes said. “Really.”

***

Poe talked with Ben later that night. 

”So your dad’s okay with it?” Ben said. “Really?”

Poe nodded. “Thank goodness. I didn’t want to get into another fight. And looking at it as just another way to make up for what I did...I can like that. I can like that a lot.”

”Or you could look at it another way,” Ben said. “As a way of healing.”

”Healing. I guess I like that idea.” A beat. “You really invest a lot in me. Even when I let you down.”

”Of course I do. You’re my friend. My best friend.”

Poe did smile, then, at the thought. He didn’t deserve Ben. He just hoped he could keep deserving him, however he could. 


	4. The Necessities of Painkillers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets an internship as a political transcriber, may the Force have mercy on his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Leia was willing, at least, to take Poe on as a protégé. 

”I think he has potential,” she said to Kes. “A lot of it. I think the best way to start him out is having him listen in on political meetings.” A slight grimace. “Though...he’ll have to have nerves of durasteel just for that.”

”...yeah.” Still, Poe was strong. Incredibly strong. Kes knew that much. A now twenty-one-year-old who had defied Zeva Bliss and come back. 

Leia sighed. “I won’t lie to you, Kes; the meetings can be exhausting. I don’t think Poe can become a Senator from Yavin yet — ”

“Of all the things my little bird is, a politician isn’t one of them,” Kes said. “But...maybe having an internship could work.”

”Poe’s twenty-one now. Stars, he’s grown. But anyway, we should ask his opinion.”

***

”Internship sounds good,” Poe said. They sat around the dinner table, Leia’s hologram in the middle to present an image like she was there with them. 

”Good. I have to warn you, Poe, that it’s a surefire way to lose your faith in the galaxy.” Leia only seemed to be semi-joking there. 

Poe snorted. “I’m just an intern. How bad can it be?”

”Well, for example,” Leia said, “It depends on what job you take. If you’re just flying me to and from places, which might give you the opportunity to practice your piloting skills, you won’t have to interact with anyone except me. But being, say, a transcriber...”

”Maybe I’ll be a transcriber? It sounds like you could use the company, being in that booth...”

Leia did chuckle. “Poe...”

”I want to help,” Poe said. “And I want to redeem myself, however it takes.”

Silence. 

”Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Leia said, and Poe had a feeling she was semi-joking here.

***

”Well, I say as long as you can find painkillers after listening to the bickering Senators, I say you’re fine,” Ben said. They were talking, just talking, over the communication system before Poe went to bed. 

”I’ll pack my painkillers,” Poe said. “I suppose that ‘get pain meds for self’ is kind of a number one to-do for anyone who’s in the Senatorial world.”

”Well, look on the bright side,” Ben said. “You’re practically a journalist.”

Poe snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ben. I’m just taking notes.”

”Could count as journalism.”

”I just hope I don’t get any points off if I crack any jokes during my notes.”

Ben did laugh. It was a relief, Poe thought, seeing him laugh. “This isn’t school, Poe.”

”Still.”

”Honestly, don’t forget to bring the painkillers,” Ben said, only semi-joking. “Painkillers are good.”

Poe did laugh. “I will, Ben. Don’t worry.”

”Good. I worry about you,” Ben said. “Because we’re friends.”

”Right,” Poe said. “Because we’re friends.”


End file.
